On the Craft

Their surname was inscripted upon their shiny black and white striped door.  That was the most fashionable entry door in all of India House.  The word “Chhedda” looked like white icing across a horizontal black section of the door.  Through this door was joy, laughter, love.  The Chhedas were my second family.


No matter what job I have, I can’t help but feel that I am not where I need to be.  I can’t help but feel insecure.  

This post is a meditation to uncover what jobs and roles help me feel the ground beneath my feet and accomplished.


I know.  That’s a gnarly image.  But it also evokes a solid state of accomplishment. Of declaration.  I’m here.  100% present tense HERE.

It may be the precarious nature of my current job, my desire for a doctorate education.  It may be that I was laid off, had one terrible experience in grad school.  It may be that the cat got my tongue.  It may be that I was always looking for something else.  That each class and job had been a past-time activity till I got to where I needed to go.  I tried to focus on the moment, and learned early on that “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”.  But I want so much out of life.  A job that makes me feel stable.  A writing career.  A business start-up.  A PhD.  At the same time, the cat’s got my tongue.  I can’t write my statement of purpose with ease, start this business, send out a single query, or leave this job and find a new one.  From the outside, all’s not so bad.  I am a success.  Beautiful home, beautiful husband, great job.  But I feel like I was meant to be doing something else.  And yes, I am on my path to doing that… but…what’s holding me back from standing tall and being out there?  Why am I wasting hours and hours of precious time, amounting to a decade and then some.

I’m following some tools out there to do this exercise.

What I want:

To be able to wake up and not feel compelled to sit down and start writing only to stare at the screen and get up 3 hours later rushing to get the actual day started.  In the back of my mind thinking about other possibilities throughout the day, daydreaming through life.  To truly enjoy homemaking, making time for friends.  I am so in my mind – that I want to be able to be just focused.

My Beliefs (recorded from the past several weeks): 

I need something else to be successful.  

need to spend lots of hours trying to write my statement of purpose and figuring out graduate school applications.  

I don’t have time to exercise.  

I can leave the shopping / groceries / doing x till the last minute – I don’t need to do it now because it’s not a priority.  I have time.  We have the whole long weekend to relax.  

I will get SO much done! I will get EVERYTHING done.  I will finish my essay, send out 100 job applications, send out 100 emails to friends, colleagues, contacts, finish a draft of my applications, and study for the GREs.  

I find myself so stressed out mentally when I do things like this.  I feel that I’ve lost time, haven’t read anything positive or substantial aside from blog posts on self-help, and lost the window to exercise.  And to boot, no draft of essay, no query, no article to post, zilch.

Reversing My Beliefs

I’m following this model.


1.  I need something else to be successful.

Is this true?  Yes.

Is this 100% true?  No.

What is this limiting belief doing to me?  This is causing me to second-guess myself, be uncertain, and be insecure.  This is causing me to spend countless hours exploring possibilities (but never really acting upon them).  If I knew that I had everything I needed to be successful and that my to-do list was manageable, I would just stop spending all this time thinking and sitting down to write.  I would probably just know what to say and write, I would probably just schedule things like writing, studying, working, exercising, cooking, time with friends, and so on.

Who would I be without this limiting belief?  I would be calm, happy.  I would read for reading’s sake.  I would clean, work out, be a happy homemaker with a flexible schedule, be a successful professional / writer, I would be a mother.  I would know what I want and I would not be afraid to speak up for it.  This whole drive to be “successful” is just driving me mad.

Why do I want to get a PhD?  I want to immerse myself in the world of ideas and become adept at the methodologies, form arguments, defend ideas, advance knowledge in my field, and train incoming students in this field.  I want to feel competent in my job, in my writing, and I want the chance to learn and grow consciously.


2.  need to spend lots of hours trying to write my statement of purpose and figuring out graduate school applications.  

Is this true?  No.

What is the limiting belief doing to me ? Causing me to go in circles and second guess myself, leaving me utterly wordless and essayless.

Who would I be without this limiting belief?  My thoughts are clear, and clearly make their way onto the page.  I go through a process of writing — multiple drafts, feedback from others, edits, professional editor if necessary, gut check, rewrites, final draft, polish.  I would spend my extra time on working out, making lovely meals for my family, and reading quality literature, and WRITING. 🙂


3.  I don’t have time to exercise.  

Is this true?  No.

What is this limiting belief doing to me?  Making me FAT.

Who would I be without this limiting belief?  Realistic about my time.  Slender, beautiful, HEALTHY.


4.  I can leave the shopping / groceries / doing x till the last minute – I don’t need to do it now because it’s not a priority.  I have time.  We have the whole long weekend to relax.  

Is this true?  No – Gotta do it now to have the time later.

What is this limiting belief doing to me?  Leaving me in states of frenzy that I need lots of downtime to recover from.

Who would I be without this limiting belief?  A mature, time-realistic adult.


5. I will get SO much done! I will get EVERYTHING done.  I will finish my essay, send out 100 job applications, send out 100 emails to friends, colleagues, contacts, finish a draft of my applications, and study for the GREs.  

Is this true?  NO.

What is this limiting belief doing to me?  Leaving me hopelessly ambitious and devastatingly disappointed.

Who would I be without this limiting belief?  Someone who makes realistic plans for each day, sets mid-term goals, and long-term goals and actually achieves them.


Wow.  This is crazy.  What are my goals for today?


1. Spend time writing essay (GONE)

2. Go for a short hike. (2 hours)

3. Make my last-minute thanksgiving items for friend’s place tonight.  (2 hours)

4. Get ready and look fabulous. (1 hour)

5. Enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with friends. (5 hours)

6. IF TIME: finalizing my programs, proposed advisors, and people to contact.  IF TIME: organizing my essay thoughts into something of a very very scrappy outline – pretend I’m talking to a friend on the phone about what I would like to accomplish. (2 hours)

Hours left till I go to bed: 12


Goals for 2012: Apply to PhD programs. Be realistic about time.


Enough said. Signing off.

My “Writing Practice”.  What writing practice?  I often cringe when I think of all the Morning Pages I’ve missed, the articles I didn’t write, my would-be books, or ever-distant doctoral thesis.  A single thought, I don’t have the time to write, can leave me feeling stymied for hours, if not days.  Not having the time to think up good article ideas and send out queries.  Not having the bandwidth to think through my research question and submit journal articles to the right editors.  Not having the 30 minutes carved out daily to blog, heck, not even to tweet, it seems most days.

I stopped freaking out a few weeks ago when I realized that all I do is write.  From emails to proposals to scripts to reports to annotations to professional blog posts.  My work revolves around me being able to think strategically, manage expectations, and, well, write.  While it’s true that I am not writing what I want to write and I may not be as prolific as I want to be, I am still writing.  But in order to actually improve as a writer, I have the choice to make the most of the opportunities that are front of me.  Inspired by the principles of meditation, yoga, and deliberate practice, I developed a a new action-oriented mindset that has allowed me to change my feelings and thoughts, and will hopefully allow me to thrive as a writer.

Introspection is the act of self-reflection.  In my old writing practice, I would write and then write again with wanting to be better, but not really applying self-reflection  I decided to adopt active introspection – a process that allows me to identify where you need to stretch.

Here are some ways that I apply active introspection:

Finding the time the write

I recently was at lunch with a CEO of a successful company who made it clear that working out daily is a priority for him.  This was an a-ha moment for me, causing me to introspect –  I’m always looking for the time to write.  Why couldn’t I seem to write regularly?  Why is it always a struggle?  

When I didn’t work full time, I was able to fritter away an hour or so on Morning Pages, and then another few hours on reading blogs, and then frantically trying to get something coherent on a piece of paper, only to be dissatisfied, being interrupted by other work and chores, and then calling it a day, and then starting all over again the next day.  Then, working full-time, time is a precious commodity, and I just began thinking of when we have children – what will I do then?  So I decided to do something about it.

Inspired by The Now Habit,  I began blocking 30-minute time blocks just for writing.  I began to take pride in anything and everything that I write – whether it’s an email, a blog post, a proposal, or even a PowerPoint annotation, I truly began to honor the written word and began to constantly focus on my craft.

A big part of finding the time to write is having the space to write.  Inspired by a series of writings on making space in life for creativity, I decided it was very important to embrace down time, solitude, and calm and applying any insights I get back to my writing process the next time I sit down to write.

Dealing with Procrastination

Procrastination is what sets me apart from you.  Procrastination is what has made me mediocre – with so much latent success.  When I procrastinate, I now ask myself why I don’t want to complete project x, and what is standing in the way.  Procrastination is a feeling, you know, an emotion.  It leaves me feeling completely overwhelmed, anxious, paralyzed, and just plain stressed out.  It’s the reason I need a coffee with cream and sugar and a pastry every morning.  It’s the reason I just need to do x-y-and-z before I get started.  Every single time that procrastination overcomes me and influences my decision-making is a time that I have not taken the high road.  I’ve taken many side roads and low roads…

But I also know the real euphoria of completing, getting things done, giving it all I got, you know, accomplishment.  There’s this lightness of being that takes over you – and I realized that I would have to tackle this at the emotional level.

I now begin each project by building in extra days to just let the project “sink in”.  To remove the complexity and to make it familiar.  I start by brainstorming possibilities.  It’s funny how engaged the mind can be when it’s not threatened by a “have-to” or deadline.  I also sometimes tell myself this is someone else’s problem – and oh how the mind loves to solve other people’s problems.

By taking myself out of the equation and removing the pressure of getting the right answer and the right composition at the right time, and by becoming intimate with the problem at hand, I become comfortable with the context and lexicon of the task.  This takes the pressure off, and I get more done.

Conventional wisdom on beating procrastination asks us to break down projects into smaller parts – but the reality is that creating a workflow and project schedule can actually be a futile process that leaves me even more overwhelmed once I see how many moving parts there actually are.  When this happens, I practice workplace tai chi – true active introspection.  I just get into the zen of each task, each mini-deadline… and a strange thing happens: time slows down as I focus on one task at a time.  My behemoth of a project turns into a meditative process of deep enjoyment.

Receiving Feedback

A central lesson that is becoming apparent to me is that writing is not a solitary process – writing is incredibly social.  After all, I’m writing for you, my friend to whom I’m sending this email, the aspiring writer who stumbled upon this blog, the second-year resident who’s reading my book on the 9 train after a stressful all-night call, perhaps my column reader, or my client who is reading my report to make a strategic decision.
We write to communicate.  We write for others.  We write because we feel something, we write because we bump into our stories, and because they must be told.  We write because we know no other way to express ourselves.  For this to happen well, feedback is more important than ever.  I’ve begun to embrace feedback at work, in these informal settings, and in my own writing trajectory.  Feedback is a central component of active introspection, allowing me to calibrate my journey.  I now look for mentors everywhere – whether it’s an author of a book I respect for their advice or for their style, whether it’s my boss or someone else whom I respect.  Even people I never meet – but I look for inspiration and I constantly seek to improve rather than seek to impress.  This process truly allows me to come into my own in an authentic way.
Getting from Here to There
Upon reflection, it seems to me that my greatest weakness is my impatience and inability to see how I will get from here to there.  You know, how will I lose those 30 lbs. and look incredible if I can’t commit to my daily workout routine and avoiding pastries?  How will I be a respected researcher if I don’t move the needle on my research goals?  I have my big goals, but sometimes they encroach upon my everyday – they are incessant – and they never stop.  Sitting, standing, sleeping – my goals overcome me.  I know I should start small, and do the little day by day.  But sometimes, it’s a hopeless resolution.
I find that what works better is changing my mindset.  Is to truly embrace the small.  Not so much to think about my daily workouts, but be in the moment for each moment – to have a sense of clarity that’s true to the moment.  I find that getting there may actually be about being in the right place at the right time, not necessarily in front of a screen hopelessly cycling through the same journal article.  I am finding that the important thing is being out there and being inspired – whether at work, writing a query, with loved ones, drafting an article…success really comes from staying in your sweet spot, in the moment, all the time – in a constant state of introspection, the opposite of inertia.
An Introspection 

Writing is momentum.  That’s why the right pen matters so much.  Your thoughts flow,  your words flow, your pen flows, the pages flow.  The ideas come together, the thesis comes together, and your identity comes together.  Writing is about constantly overcoming uncertainty – it is an ongoing process.  The more you nurture your craft and strengthen your writing core, the more your ability to create grows, your ability to weave words together more gracefully, the more works you can complete, and the more meaning you can create in the world.

Active introspection is a process of self-improvement.  It’s a way of life.

I just finished reading Future Shock.  Toffler was eloquent and clairvoyant: he wrote exhaustively about the impacts of social and technological change — many of which have either materialized, are just emerging, or still far off.  For example, he wrote about the rise of the experiential economy, the shift away from the hierarchic organizational complex and the need for networked organizations, and scoped the future of education.

However, the most poignant and relevant thing for all of us is his underlying exposition on change.  Take his definition of future shock:

Future shock is the shattering stress and disorientation that we induce in individuals by subjecting them to too much change in too short a time.

The prolific author warned us about inevitable stresses of decision-making in the face of rapid change.  Alas, Toffler conceded that change is life and that we can be better prepared for the future by anticipating the changes we are bound to see just around the corner.

How do we adapt and cope with rapid change in everyday life?  We set goals, and we move the needle one day at a time.  We anchor ourselves to constants in our life that serve as our true norths.

For me, the book resonates me very much.  I’ve been feeling so many changes at once, yet the call of my own goals compounded by the passage of time.  The War of Art reminded me of the Bhagwad Gita – the infamous conversation between Arjuna, pulled by his own sense of future shock and overcome by resistance, and Krishna.  Krishna advised Arjuna to move past his resistance and to do the right thing.  This resonates with Steve Pressfield’s own advice:  just do it or don’t do it.

The most practical links I can find with the challenges of multiple priorities is Zinsser’s advice to clear our heads of clutter and to invoke clear thinking to achieve simplicity.

I meditate each of my micro-actions and micro-thoughts towards these principles:  simplicity, clarity, and focused action.

Mirroring my Actions with My Principles:

Awake: Micro-Meditation, Yoga + Movement, Cleanse, Meditate, Nourish, Write/Create

Journey: Connect, Read, Meditate, Write/Create

Day End: Connect, Laugh, Synthesize, Reflect

How do you handle future shock?  How do you slay resistance?